While I'm away...

For any curious kittens, I've set up a travel blog to track my whereabouts as I faff about Indochina for the next five weeks.

Email me at teejmahal{at}gmail.com if you want the address, but just remember, no references to this one if you comment on the other one please! Bannination will be swift and terrible.

Apart from that, I'm packed and good to go with two days to spare.

The boy's meeting me for the Thailand leg of it at the end, and I'm almost puking at the thought of not seeing him for nearly a month before that. Aaack.

However! A holiday! A sorely needed one! I'm outta here!


Fare thee well!

"It's.... full of FODDER!"

Oh god… its back! IT’S BACK!


Miss Universe Pageant! 2008! Hooray HOORAY!


I haven’t done one of these for about three years, because, well a) they cleaned up a lot of the interviews and edited them and vetted them and they just weren’t as FUNNY anymore, and b) they’re a buttload of work to put together and I’m fundamentally a lazy tramp.


But! As a trip down memory lane, I thought I’d dip my toe back in the glittery, giggly pool. Only about half of the profiles are actually up at the moment, but we can still have a peek.


(And THIS way I get to do it in installments, which works well with the whole ‘lazy tramp’ thing mentioned previously. Bonus!)

Let’s commence, shall we? God I love these women.

First up!


Albania:

It's like Billy Idol, Annie Lennox and a random tranny got stuck in Jeff Goldblum's thing-that-mashes-you-together-and-turns-you-into-a-fly.

And it's BEAUTIFUL!


Here's what Miss Albania has to say:


What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I AM DELIGHTED TO ADMIT THAT THIS IS MY VERY FIRST AMAZING AND UNIQUE EXPERIENCE.


Well of course it is, dear. Bless.
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Antigua and Barbuda:


What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I have recently developed an interest in the different types of snakes located around the world.


Random, but ok...

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Argentina:

Woah. Argentina looks ROUGH.



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Aruba:


What are your interests and what do you enjoy doing the most?
I love dancing, swimming and spending quality time with my family. I enjoy doing dancing the most as I’m in the dance world for more than 15 years. My mother encouraged me to begin with the dance lessons at a very young age. I took classes of classical ballet, jazz and tap dance. Dance is a way to express yourself. I have worked as a professional dancer and nowadays I am a dance teacher.

I’m sensing she might like…dancing? Just maybe? Fun fact – She worked the ‘D’ word into EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE IN THAT PARAGRAPH!


OMG YOU GUYZ, I THINK SHE LIKES TO DANCE!


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Belgium:


What is your career ambition?
A job in the media, on television, a career in the cinema as an actress and a career in the fashion world, modeling and talking photos.

Talking… photos… talking photos? I’m pretty sure that’s called… film? Yes? No?


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Bahamas :

The cougar is strong in this one.

Wait, what? She’s only 19? And they’ve slathered THAT MUCH gunge all over her face?

Jesus… let's see what she has to say for herself anyway...

What is your career ambition?
To become an entrepreneur in three arenas of business; to design my own clothing and accessory line in the fashion industry, create a signature Beauty salon/spa boutique where the body, mind and spirit are nurtured, and to open "haute couture" restaurants blending international cuisines.


Think she might have meant ‘haute cuisine’? Because otherwise I’m as confused as all get out.

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Bolivia:


What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?
On one occasion, when nobody knew what to do, in a compulsive and sudden action, I saved my father`s life.


See, I know how this one works. I used to do that to my brother when our parents inevitably dragged us to yet another ‘thrilling’ lookout on our perennial around Australian trips. As he leaned forward to peer over the guard rail, I would grab both of his shoulders hard and HAUL him backwards, yelling “OMIGOD I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE!” Even averaging five lookouts a day, for trips lasting six weeks or more, this NEVER got old.

Well, for me anyway.


Bolivia knows what I’m talking about.


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Canada:


What is your proudest personal accomplishment?
Breaking down stereotypes and embracing changes in society is what fuels new ideas in progress. My ambition for modeling was blatant to my surroundings, and my deep desire was strong enough to break down any misconceived ideas. Therefore, my proudest accomplishment would be achieving that degree of positive attitude that helps me get through anything in life.


Um.


Huh?


She’s supposed to be one of the English speaking ones…


(My ambition for modeling was blatant to my surroundings?!? WTF?)


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Cayman Islands… well, judging by her eyes, I think she actually died about a week ago.

RIP Miss Cayman Islands

May you climb your giant earrings all the way to Heaven.

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Columbia:


What do you want the judges to know about you?
I would like the judges to see in me, the same positive attributes of kindness, happiness, and warmth that are so characteristic of the embracing and loving people of Colombia. If afforded the opportunity to serve as Miss Universe I pledge to bring to my new role the same passion I strive to display everyday as Miss Colombia.


…also, I can totally get you some top notch Finger Ash.


*taps side of nose*

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Miss Cyprus... scares me:

Also, I suspect her nose is made of plasticine. It totally looks like an afterthought.


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Dominican republic:


What is your proudest personal accomplishment?
To have managed a diverse and multi functional career while also pursuing my education. During the last four years I have been a college student, I have worked as one of the most solicited models of my country, as well as held many different jobs to help support my family.


See, when a pretty girl mentions that she is 'solicited often', what did you all think first? Come on now... don't be shy...

Yeah.

Thought so.

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Egypt:

Well, Miss Egypt thinks she's a pirate:

Yaarrrh, etc etc

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And I'm about 85% certain that they just nicked Miss Estonia's picture off of her MySpace page:

Also: What do you want the judges to know about you?

I am interested in Socionics - a theory of personality and interpersonal interaction. It is enough for me to communicate with a person for about half an hour to draw his psychological portrait.

Look, woman – which part of *simper and say ‘World Peace’* didn’t you understand?

Socionics… bloody hell…

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Georgia:

What is your career ambition?

I want to have my own Talk-show, which will support my country in achieving it's goal of becoming an independent, strong and democratic country.

What is your proudest personal accomplishment?

I'm very proud that in spite of my age, I became a presenter of a Morning Program at one of the leading broadcasting companies in Georgia.

What do you want the judges to know about you?

That I will do everything to reach my goals.

EVERYTHING!

*slides finger out of mouth slowly*

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Germany:

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

The birth of a child, which is something phenomenal and amazing, it takes your breath away, in 2 meanings!

Wait, what?

Huh.

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Ghana:

What is your proudest personal accomplishment?

When I joined the AIDS Awareness Campaign in my school, I expected to gain a wonderful opportunity to help others through art. However, what I gained was a true understanding of charity by accepting the responsibility of helping others. I first joined the program as a performer, but when the opportunity arose, I ended up leading the group. I managed to choreograph interpretive dance routines, representing the plight of African youth as a result of the AIDS epidemic. And to help the efforts of our benefit, I also coordinated fundraising efforts, such as fun fairs and bake sales, to gain the funds necessary to afford costumes and equipment. At the end of it all I was given a special award and thanks for stepping up and taking responsibility the way that I did. And most importantly we managed to raise thousands of dollars in support for women and children in Ghana infected and affected by H.I.V and A.I.D.S.

AIDS themed interpretative dance...

Interpretative dance... about AIDS...

....

Don't know about anyone else, but I TOTALLY want to see what that looks like.

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Guatemala:

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

What is interesting about me is normalcy. I am unique because of that.

Whaaaat? No you're not.

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Honduras:

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

When I was 15 years old I got lost at the national park and it took me more than one hour to find my way back to the group I was with. I could hear them calling my name but I couldn't find them. It was very frightening.

Am I alone in thinking that shit isn’t particularly unique or interesting? Anyone? I mean… it was HONDURAS. The entire country is probably the size of Glebe Park anyway.

*Wikis*

Um, ok. So maybe it’s actually 16.5 times the size of Canberra.

But still!

Honduras!

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Hungary:

What are your interests and what do you enjoy doing the most?

I find different energies and spiritual things very interesting. I spend some of my spare time dealing with these topics.

What is your proudest personal accomplishment?

Acting in the film "Underworld" as a vampire.

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I still do not know who registered me for this pageant.

Ohhh, I LIKE her.

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India:

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I got a scar on my right thigh trying to save a little puppy's life. Since then I consider it to be my lucky scar.

Ah yes, the old ‘DISFIGURED WHILE SAVING A LITTLE PUPPY’S LIFE’ trick.

I believe Miss Costa Rica perfected that routine back in the 70s, but ruined it by following up with "…but its ok; I got it with the car door".

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Ireland shouldn’t have stolen her hairdresser’s man, the dirty trollop.

She’ll pay… Oh yes, she’ll pay…

In fact:

QED

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Italy:

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I love all pets and I have always desired to have one of them in my house but unfortunately I'm allergic to their hair.

Allergic to pets, huh… how completely unique and interesting… yup… first ever, I bet.

Also, I love how a beauty queen answers a question in such a way that the judges will immediately picture her puffy, wheezing and hive-riddled.

BRILLIANT TACTIC, ITALY!

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Jamaica:

What is your career ambition?

I hope to enter the financial and legal industries by becoming an investment banker and lawyer. In addition, after being successful in both areas I will take over my father’s company; Swift Cash Money Transfer.

Oooh… subtle product placement there. SUH-TULL!

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Korea:

BLUE STEEL!

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Kosovo:

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I am a citizen of the newest country in the world, Kosova. I experienced the re-birth of my country. It is like the mythological creature, Phoenix, that rose from the ashes and was re-born. We too saw death, but now we have a chance to start over again, and like the Phoenix, we have been re-born. I survived through the war in my country, and now I am lucky enough to have this experience.

Everyone altogether: AAAAW!

Good answer though, except for the inference that the country will AGAIN blow up and re-incarnate, as is a phoenix's wont.

Also, I bet, I BET! That her ‘ethnic’ costume will be some sort of Bjork-ish swan/phoenix-y bird dress.

Wait and see, punkins. Wait and see.

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Malaysia:

Uhh.

I don’t really know what to say about her, and I don’t know that I even should. I think I would feel bad.

As in laughing-at-kids-who-lick-the-bus-windows bad.

Um, let me have another look.

....

Right. So, uh, moving on then!

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Mauritius:

What is your career ambition?

My career ambition is to one day open my own restaurant and to be the one who manages it by myself.

Yeah, I think they call that… a manager? Maybe a … RESTAURANT MANAGER?

Not sure, kinda tricky. Will have to check and get back to you.

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Mexico:

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

During my experience as Miss Mexico, I have had the opportunity to assist in some personal development courses. A very interesting one is called “the power journey” and it takes place in Teotihuacan pyramids, an amazing and historical place where our first ancestors lived, the Toltecs. It is said that this place is charged with energy that’s why they do it in there so you can receive it. Since the first moment we got there, there was a woman that captured my attention. She was about 50 years old and had a very sad look. Someone let me now that she had cancer and she only had a one month to live. During the course we went inside the pyramids so we could get in contact with some spirits; for me it was hard to believe in that, but the instructor told me that I should try it. I tried to focus and I just sat waiting for anything. After one hour I started feeling cold and I started to hear a women’s voice; she was trying to say something which I had to be open to receive in order to be reborn, and in that moment I freaked out; I didn’t understand it. After living through that, every person talked about their experience and the woman with cancer told us that she heard a woman‘s voice just like the one I heard saying that I had to be willing to be reborn. I was surprised about that. Someone else heard what I thought had been just a dream. The instructor told us that maybe that had meaning related to her illness and he knew a possible way to relieve her. We got together and simulated a human tunnel so she could pass across it. When she got out of it, everybody was crying and there was something new in her eyes. Time passed, the course finished and I didn’t understand yet what had happened there. A month ago I got the news that she had no signs of cancer. I believe she was reborn and that it was because she mentally decided to do it and also because all of us gave her life with our energy. It sounds weird but I understood how powerful our minds can be.

…

“Fuck… no, wait, I meant WORLD PEACE! Shit…”

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Montenegro:

What is your career ambition?

I have many ambitions in my life. First is my education, than my desire to become a successful psychologist. Also, I would like to become a professional parapsychologist because this field is not developed in my country at all.

Wow, she REALLY needs to room with Miss Mexico then…

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Nigeria:

What are your interests and what do you enjoy doing the most?

I AM INTERESTED IN HELPING THE ABUSED KIDS ALL OVER THE WORLD. I ENJOY DANCING, COOKING AND SHOPPING.

What is your career ambition?

TO BECOME A GEOLOGIST.

What is your proudest personal accomplishment?

THE DAY I WON THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN NIGERIA (UNIVERSE) BEAUTY PAGEANT.

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

WINNING THE BEAUTY PAGEANT, MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN NIGERIA (UNIVERSE).

What do you want the judges to know about you?

I AM SMART AND I LOVE ATTENTION

*happy sigh*

I love the shouty ones.

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Paraguay:

What is your career ambition?

To finish my Psychology studies, in which I am currently completing my second year. Also, I would like to have my own Clinic after specializing in Forensic Psychology Services in order to help all the marginalized people of my society who need professional assistance. Through the beauty title I hold right now I would like to work with those foundations assisting children with AIDS’s and Cancer.

I… have no idea how on earth this would work.

I somehow don’t think the marginalized people of Paraguay sit around their cardboard boxes, eating dumpster food, and going “FUCK I need a Forensic Pyschologist right about now”

Then again, she's Miss Paraguay and I'm not, so what the hell do I know?

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Peru:

What is your career ambition?

To be a highly prepared professional and a competitive one.

Read: secretary.

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

The revenue to a college with a girl friend that was only for boys, what permits to integrate a promotion of hundred boys, turning this way into the first mixed promotion of a masculin college for tradition.

Somewhere in the world, a babel fish just croaked out the words “kill… meeee”

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Puerto Rico:

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I had the interesting opportunity to have the leading role in a movie where I had to play a homeless person! For this I had to change everything. My hair, nails, eyebrows, clothing, shoes, make-up, even the places I went to! It was very challenging and I learned a lot from this experience and about the different motives that drives someone to the streets. I identified myself with this cause and began helping a place where the homeless are taken care of, by giving them food.

See, now here’s an interesting thing. I looked up IMDB to see what the name was of the movie she was in, and it didn’t tell me that… but it DID tell me the below:

[Ingrid Maria Rivera] made world headlines when she claimed that the evening gown and make-up she used for the Miss Puerto Rico Universe pageant held in San Juan, Puerto Rico on Friday, November 23, 2007 were spiked by an unknown person with pepper spray. She claimed that she received threats and was sabotaged in order to jeopardize her chances of winning the pageant because she was overqualified due to her participation in the 2005 Miss World Pageant. She won the pageant that night and was escorted by police. After police investigations were concluded on December 1, it was determined that there were no traces of pepper spray either on dress or make-up which caused many in the media to believe it was a hoax. Rivera stood by her claim and went on a junket of interviews to defend herself.

Evening gown… and make up… spiked with PEPPER SPRAY!

Because she was OVERQUALIFIED!

...

I LOVE BEAUTY PAGEANTS!

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Damn, Russia...

Lay off the 'Shop filters, 'cos I can totally tell by the Pixels

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Singapore:

What is your proudest personal accomplishment?

Completing the Singapore Half Marathon (more than 10 Km) in 4.5 hrs

Um, right. Ok. It would want to be CONSIDERABLY more than 10km, because otherwise it would appear to take her an hour to run 2.2km. AN HOUR.

My granddad (saints anoint him and all that jazz) has just had a kidney removed last week, and he could still beat that fucking time.

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Slovenia:

What is your proudest personal accomplishment?

I am proud that I have successfully graduated from high school and that I have passed my driving license on the first try.

GO SLOVENIA! AIM FOR THE STARRRRRRRS!

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Miss Slovak Republic – Now, I fell in love with a previous Miss Slovak after she listed ‘milking bees’ as one of her hobbies. Yeah… for reals...

The current version isn’t QUITE as zany, but I still think she’s kinda fun:

What is your career ambition?

I would like to successfully finish University and work as a model or somehow be involved in another capacity.

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I´m goal seeking, which helps me to achieve any of my goals. In the future I want to learn languages, I want to get better in English and learn Russian and maybe Italian.

What do you want the judges to know about you?

I´am giving them a chance to get to know me better by interviewing me.

And that’s very obliging of you, dear. Quite thoughtful indeed.

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Sri Lanka:

What do you want the judges to know about you?

To let them know that I would prefer to have an interpreter. I do understand English, but am more fluent in my native language.

I… don’t think Miss Sri Lanka quite understood the point of asking that question…

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Tanzania:

What is your career ambition?

TO BECOME AN ACTRESS AND A ROLE MODEL FOR OTHER YOUNG WOMEN.

What is your proudest personal accomplishment?

COMPLETING MY COMPUTER ENGINEERING CERTIFICATE.

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I LEARNED HOW TO BUILD A MAASAI HUT FROM COW DUNG WHEN WE WENT TO VISIT MY GRANDFATHER IN THE VILLAGE AND I HELPED TO THATCH HIS HUT, WHICH IS A FORM OF REPAIR. THIS WORK IS DONE BY MAASAI WOMEN ONLY.

First of all - STOP SHOUTING!

Secondly - now this is something that amuses me a lot. So many of these girls want to be a model/actress/business woman/whatever, but the qualifications they are pursuing are fricking MILES away from it. Computer engineering = ACTRESS! Of course!

Also: Needs More Cow Bell Dung!

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Thailand:

What are your interests and what do you enjoy doing the most?

Dogs are my hobby. They are man’s best friend. No matter how you are, they love you as you are, without any conditions. They are always by your side when you are happy or sad.

At least she’s not pulling the usual ‘building nests out of cotton batting for homeless disabled blind children with sciatica and a nasty case of sniffles’ like all the other girls. Respect.

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Turkey’s glamour shot looks kind of like… Mormon porn.

Yeah... uncomfortable...

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Turks and Caicos:

What is your proudest personal accomplishment?

Other than representing my country in this pageant, my proudest personal accomplishment is to be the first female of my age and also the only beauty queen of my country to own, host and produce a youth television program.

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I am the first female of my age and the only beauty queen to own, host and produce a youth television program.

*awkward cough*

Already used that one.

*cough*

*cough*

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Venezuala is actually kind of cool. I mean:

What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?

I was once kidnapped, in what in my country is known as an express kidnapping. It was a very hard experience. I learned to remain calm in a very stressful situation and to try to reach to the human part of our abductors.

See that? THAT is an interesting/unique thing. This is how it's done. Girls, take note. Kidnapping? Interesting. Also quite unique. Getting your driver's license? NOT INTERESTING OR UNIQUE!

(However might want to rephrase that whole ‘human part of my abductors’ line. Yikes.)

The problem with Miss Venezuala though is, well:

Yeah.

Vampire.

I’ve watched John Carpenter movies.

I knows em when I sees em.

'Haripoonchai' cracks me up too, for the record.

Planning for the big trip is going well, I think. I've mapped out the route, pre-booked the accommodation, ordered the cacophany of visas and orgasmed over the glory of spreadsheets and schedules.

Yes, I have a trip Gantt chart, fully resourced levelled, hyperlinked to maps, and integrated with currency changes (with variable macros based on the shifting exchange rates). Guess what I do for a living! Ha! Yeah... you'll NEVER get it...

Various people in my life have told me that the *only* way to travel is to just hop on some form of transport, rock up to some form of continent, and then just make shit up as you go. It's the only way, you hear? THE ONLY WAY!

Yeah...

I'd rather papercut my nipples, thanks.

Seriously - fuck that. The thought leaves me cold.

I find comfort in the detail. I can relax when I have the plan - I'll vary it as I go, sure, but I need that structure there in the first place. You can't break the rules until you know what they are in the first place.

Travel snobs have decried this method, sure. However, I'm not travelling to appease them. I'm doing it for me, and THIS is how I like to do things. Besides, when you factor in that I'm going to be wading through Cambodia in the rainy season AND trying to maintain a security clearance while stomping about the Golden Triangle and Myanmar border.... yeah, a bit of pre-planning and organisation isn't gonna hurt this cat.

The itinerary, such as it is, has pushed out a few more days than originally thought however. Upon hearing this, the man declared that those four extra days or so will kill him, you hear? KILL HIM! and he is therefore going to fly out and meet me in Thailand and do the last stretch with me.

Damn, I love this guy.

Next items on the list involve:

* buying new hiking boots
* buying a new pack
* buying a new camera
* getting a CIVILIAN passport (haven't needed one since '99!) and
* stop bloody giggling like an 11 yr old boy whenever I think about the fact that I'm going boating on the Mae Kok river.

Updatey fun and goodness

Work:

My First COMPLETELY Solo Infrastructure Project - yeah, I started, managed and trouble-shooted (shooteded? shot?) that sumbitch, and brought 'im home like a prize gelding (with ongoing work generated! Those fools asked me BACK!), thereby proving once and for all that one needs fuckity in the way of actual technical nous in order to work in IT Project Management.

Remember, I'm the girl who once got her finger stuck in a hard-drive caddy and had to be rescued, and also?, this one time?, put in an order for a bargeload of 'Squizzlies' *

In summary? I'm mildly vindicated, just not sure at whom.

Fitness:

So I've kind of been marking time this year. Maintenance sucks, y'all. Seriously - it's fucking boring. It has, however, proved to be a valuable learning curve.

I've learned many lessons (mostly stupid) about my body, not limited to 'wow, eating lots and lots of easter chocolate, whilst rather tasty (damn you Haigh's Scorched Almond Blocks!) really DOES make you put on weight! Huh!' and 'trying to do free weights without carb-loading beforehand means I just paw weakly at the dumbbells and cry like a malnourished kitten'.

So, yeah. Valuable.

I've also learned the impact that stress has on my body. Effect number one: I stop eating. This is Not A Good Thing.

See below picture for active demonstration of this fact. This was last year when I was moving house, and falling-out with friends, and pining after Bike Boy, and, in general forgetting to eat. And because I wasn't eating enough, my muscle, well... fell off.

End result: I lost too much weight (about 8kg below my comfort zone), lost too much lean strength, and ended up looking like an ill, horsey motherfreakin' Bobblehead doll.

Exhibit A. Not Good.

Fun Fact For Those Playing At Home: It makes my frikkin' forehead lump stand out when I drop too much body fat as well.

(I also had stupid puffy lips from that retarded lipstick. That was another lesson altogether.)

I have chunked back up admirably (see above note regarding Haigh's chocolate) since then, have no fear, and am back to my much happier pumped-up Queen 'o' the Mesomorphs self.

Observe:

My crazy calves

Rowing = Man Shoulders! (I'd promised a picture, remember?)

I have, however, been feeling a bit lost with the whole fitness thing. Rowing is in the off-season, I'm weeding out badminton because I KEEP BREAKING MY STUPID TINY FEET, the gym is getting a bit repetitive, and I just need something shiny to work towards .... something .... a something ....

....a something which has just fallen conveniently into my lap, and leads me on to my next update point.

Travel:

In August, I'm fucking off to Indochina for four weeks !!! THERE'S my muthafuckin' shiny!

Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos and Thailand. A lot of trekking, biking, caving, and canoeing. And yes - eating, shopping, and marvelling in general.

Money has been exchanged, flights are being booked, and oh holy fuck I'm actually doing this.

I hadn't factored this in at the beginning of the year, but for a number of personal and family reasons, this is the time to do it. The only bummer is that Bike Boy can't come because of work commitments (sob! <--- no seriously, I pine like a budgie when he travels for two sodding days, so god knows how I'm going to handle it this way around, for this length of time).

So yes, I now have something to work towards and get insanely fit for. This shit is gonna be intense and I can't wait.

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* SQUIZZLY - kinda like a SCSI/Scuzzy, only, um... not.

Dumb shit I know pointless things about because I read weird web sites

Hunting: * This shit is fucking barbaric, and I'm utterly horrified/fascinated by these bizarre people. It's horrible horrible stuff. And yet I can look at one of the pics, stroke my chin, nod sagely, and go "yup, that's a good spread for an elk in those parts..."



Important To Note: I've never actually seen a fucking elk. Ever. Or 'those parts', i.e. Nebraska. Who the fuck goes to Nebraska? Nebraskans don't even go to fucking Nebraska.



* Enny? Don't click that link. TRUST ME ON THIS. Yo' vegan ass will thank me later.


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Cryptozoology: I inherited this one from my father. Blame him.


He brought me up on a steady diet of weird fucking things to read about, starting with Atlantis/Bermuda Triangle/Ghost...stuff, and then branching into the wonderful world of Cryptozoology. He still sends me stuff like this* in paranoid emails titled " I KNEW IT!!!" and we would have to be the only family who end up yelling at each other about the possible existence of thought-to-be-extinct-and-probably-is-but-might-just-not-be prehistoric South American Sloth(s? ii?)** after a nice dinner at a restaurant. Usually while we're still at the restaurant. We're the ones you don't want to sit near.


* That vid seriously gave me the wiggins. I don't buy it for a second (Chupacrabas are so passe), but still: what the fuck?


** One day I may post the very serious dissertation I wrote, entitled 'Mapinguari: Arguments For and Against'***


***Not kidding. Wish I was.

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My Little Pony Arena:

I'm not sure why I'm so fascinated by these people, but the fact remains that I am. I have to check in on this stupid forum at least every couple of days, or I start to go wiggy. Some things about it that I love:

* these women (and they're nearly all women, along with some Token Gay Males) describe 'male' ponies as being "hot", "handsome", "sexy", and so on. Uhhhh...

* they have 'pony' rooms in their house that look like THIS.

* they spend insane amounts of money on this shit. Fucking INSANE. This will then, of course, be followed up with a post about how broke they are, how the kids are eating gravel, and how many days until the next welfare/child support cheque arrives. YE GODS.

It is mesmerising. And by 'mesmerising', I mean in a 'cthulhu fhtagn/end of the world/all hope is lost' sort of way.

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As a slight addendum, below is a list of pop-culture Interwebs crap I have had to try and explain to the boy, because he's 'not THAT type of geek'.


All Your Base


Fatmouse


Dramatic Prairie Dog, which went something like THIS, and the new contender: Dramatic Lemur


LOLcats (and we all remember how THAT went)

Q: What do they all have in common?

A: The point of all of them (i.e. teh funnies!) is completely lost if you have to EXPLAIN THEM TO SOMEONE!

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About the only thing of this type that has actually gone well is when I tried to explain the universal hatred that exists for Rob Liefeld in the mainstream comics world.

This came about because, for Christmas, one of my presents from him was a subscription to the digital comics archive of Marvel Online (Aaaaw, I hear you say. Don't worry - I got lots of shiny things as well. We're not complete lost causes). When asked at lunch how I was enjoying the reading, I cracked up because I was in the process of wading through the mid-90s Rob Liefeld wankery of X-Force and New Mutants. Hilarious and painful and entertaining at the same time.

Basic summary for those not in the know: Liefeld was one of the highest paid comic book artists of the 90s (forum fans would recognise the catchcry of 'no matter how bad life seems, just remember that Rob Liefeld probably has more money than you'), and he:

a) is a shocking stealer of other people's images;

b) has no concept of human anatomy and the rules of perspective; and

c) CAN'T DRAW FEET! In fact, he will go to EXTRAORDINARY lengths to conceal feet in his work to get out of drawing them! EXTRAORDINARY LENGTHS! AND HE COVERS EVERYONE IN STUPID POUCHES!

So, I took him to Impact.

As I was rifling through the bins and shelves to show him glaring examples of this douchebag's *snort* 'art', we ran into the delightful Sikkukkut, long time reader of this blog. Introductions around, etc, and then an enquiry about the purpose of our visit to the store.

"Well!" I say "I'm teaching [Bike Boy] here about Rob Liefeld!"

"Aah yes..." says Sikkukkut "He can't draw feet!"

Turning to Bike Boy - "You see! YOU SEE!"

I pull out a Namor cover by Liefeld, and... oh look! A mysterious swirling cloud of mist is concealing Namor from the middle of his shins downward!

Pointing, jabbing, "Look! No feet! NO FEET! AND BLOODY POUCHES EVERYWHERE!"

And then, a tap on the shoulder. I turn around. It's the shop guy.

"Excuse me? You wouldn't happen to be talking about ROB LIEFELD would you?"

Bike Boy asks the comic shop assistant how much money would it take for him to come to work wearing a tshirt that says "I HEART ROB LIEFELD", and the guy reels back in horror and goes "No way man. My boss'd fire me. No way"

At which point I lose my shit entirely and have to leave the store because I can't stop laughing.

The fact that he is still happily by my side and in my bed after witnessing something like that (i.e. how I roll) gives me great hope for the future.

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A moment in time: one pissy little cat who had the envelope she was batting about confiscated...

Can't stop laughing at this photo:

In cat years she's a teenager - can't half tell, can you?

my new friend

I got an SMS this morning that says:

"Happy Birthday. I hope you have a great day. Take care. Love Shelle"

I replied with "Thanks Shelle! My day is going well, but I require cake and presents. Much cake and many many presents. Proceed to the designated drop-off area. No cops, or the hostage loses an ear. Take care. Love TJ"


Points of note:

* I don't know anyone named 'Shelle'

* My birthday is four months away

* I don't have a hostage

* She hasn't written back :(

I'm all "bitches be eatin' bikes all over the place. Must be a Tuesday" *

On the long weekend, we did our usual trade. I try and stuff a racquet in to his oversized mitt, and he drags me up steep and dusty hills to watch complete fools equipped with deathwishes throw themselves down cliffs while loosely hanging on to a mountain bike. Sort of.

AKA: I went and watched this.

Crazy. Completely fucking crazy. Specifically the Downhill (DH) event.

While the boy wasn't actually competing this year, I was still freaking out completely. I have an unfortunate tendency to uh, project, so to speak, so every time some poor bastard let go of the handlebars and ended up with a face full of granite, I would imagine it was *him*, and a little kitten inside me would cry and fall over dead each time it happened.

There was a lot of clutching of arms, and burying heads in shoulders, and squealing "Oh fuck fuck FUCK! Oh Christ! Is he alive? Is he dead? Oh fuckfuckfuck..."

Melodramatic? Noooo...

However, it was the scene of one of the funniest things I have seen in a long, LONG time. Four days later and I'm still giggling.

So, we'd been watching the DH guys do practice runs for a while, and then it was time to start the more serious sessions, apparently for the purposes of 'seeding'. The U19 Mens' group went up first.

We were observing from a rather prime spot, with three rock ledges in quick succession down a steep slope, and then a sharp whip to the left with a lot of loose sand.

Translation: this is where they all fell off.

So, the junior guys tend to go hard and well, stupidly. They didn't get enough speed to make the jumps, or they had too MUCH speed and boof clumsily into the loose sand at the corner. It was highly entertaining, and I've started carrying on like I know how to dissect their rides. I do this shit during the Olympics coverage too - like I know fuck about diving or rhythmic gymnastics, but by the gods I can pretend I do.

There hadn't been too many serious injuries at this stage (one poor guy had to pry his mangled balls out of the back of his throat after nadsing himself beautifully though. The collective groan and doubling-over from the male members of the crowd seemed to sum it up beautifully), so the anticipation seemed to be building. SOMETHING nasty was going to happen. Just a question of what.

And then...

Young guy comes tearing around the top bend, takes the first two ledges *really* fast, then loses his shit on the third one. He goes ass over tea kettle, the bike goes FLYING INTO THE CROWD gathered around the bend at the bottom, and *BAMM!* smacks some middle-aged blonde woman clean in the face.

Knocks her down. Hard. She's lying on her back in the dust with a handlebar imprint across her t-zone.

The crowd goes silent, as the first aid crew quickly start making their way over to her. We're all watching. Worried. Bated breath and all that shit.

The young rider who came off gets to his feet rather groggily, clutching at his ribs. He looks for his bike, sees it lying about THIRTY FEET AWAY, and then he notices the woman lying in the dirt.

Aaaand...

"Mum! MUUUUUUM!!!"

She sits up painfully and slowly. The kid goes running over, and helps her to her feet. She's ok. Dazed, but ok.

Now that we've determined that she's actually alright, the crowd fucking loses it. A yell goes up the hill "IT'S OK! IT WAS HIS MUM!!!", and we all fall over, dying of laughter.

Maybe this is a 'had to be there' thing, but the fact that this kid managed to take out a SINGLE person out of the hundreds watching, and best of all - IT WAS HIS OWN MUM! - well, I'm telling you...

Fucking funny.

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* Regarding the title: It was actually a Sunday, but Tuesday just sounded better for some reason.

Lesson learned: Use only as directed by someone with a modicum of common sense.

Do not apply collagen-based 'plumping' lipstick every ten minutes as if it is lip balm, just because you like the colour.

There are two reasons for this:


Reason 1 -

If you naturally have reasonably big lips...



Exhibit A:





...you're going to start looking really stupid.

Exhibit B:

(Like, REALLY fucking stupid.)

(You'll also have to use half your freaking face to drink out of your coffee mug. It's a weird feeling.)

Reason 2 -



You may start freaking out and trying to cram antihistamines down your boyfriend's throat, because you're convinced (Quick! Where's a doctor! Does someone have an Epi-pen? Oh god, was it the seafood? But you don't *eat* seafood!) he's having a SEVERE ALLERGIC REACTION to something.


Why?


Because his lips have gone... all... puffy...

Oh...

Uh.

Never mind.

Oh muthachunk. I needed hypno-regression to remember my password to this godforsaken wasteland.

Ha ha. So.

Me.

I wish I was kidding about the password thing. O Lord, the shame. I'm still clucking like a chicken.

Anyway... 2008. So we're here. Wow.

I was back at work on the 2nd of Jan, which: what the fuck? Who does that shit? My team, apparently. I like that word - team. It makes us sound like we actually like work together, instead of at each other. Group therapy in Schrodinger's stupid box (read: restricted vault) is slowly driving us all insane. I never ever thought I would miss my previous Dilbert-esque partitioning , but hey, you know the old saying - the only thing worse than staring at a cubicle wall is staring at a fucking Python-coding freak sitting three feet from your face, who insists on playing Spandau Ballet's Shittiest Music Abortions ad nauseam while he picks at a chunk of scabies festering on the side of his nose, and then sniff sniff SNIFFS loudly. A lot.

Yeah.

Summary: confined spaces are making me a little bit sensitive right now.

Christmas was a fucking Bacchanalian wonder though. Very cool. I was spoiled rotten by all and sundry (as I damn well should be. Constantly.) Spent way too much money on other people too, including nearly $200US on a sodding limited edition SNOW GLOBE for my father. God I wish he'd turn his weird collections-OCD to something with some goddamned dignity. It was so embarassing buying that shit.

My beautiful tall geekboy whisked me away to QLD for a holiday though, which was divine. We're still in the throes of that vile schmoopy phase*, worse than ever in fact, so even half a year into this crazy thing, we...um... still haven't had a fight. Not even a little one. I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself, really. The only complaint I can make about him is that he doesn't eat seafood, which is a rather lame thing to whinge about really.

"Oh god, my husband is having an affair with a cum-guzzling gutterslut! And he has dickrot! Which she gave him, because she used to be a man! Until her dick ROTTED OFF!"

"Oh sweety, I TOTALLY understand. Why, just the other day, my man picked out ALLLLL the little prawns from his bowl of special fried rice. ALL of them! God they're bastards!".

So yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll deal with it.

We had to go to a birthday party for a one-year old the other week, which really seemed very silly to me, but the kid seemed happy enough crying and shitting itself off to oneside. I kept admonishing him NOT to trample any small children with his ridiculously huge clomping feet (his TOES are the length of my FINGERS! I'm sleeping with a TREE FROG!), until I stepped backwards and *CRUNCH! WAIL!* collected one myself with a kitten heel.

Well, fuck.

Oh, oh, and last night Foo and I caught some car thieves. Well, we caught them in the act of trying to steal a car - not caught in the sense of 'I'll sit on this one till the cops get here, you take this rope and lassoe those other rascals in a comedic fashion'. They hoofed it down the road, leaving the neighbour's Nissan sprawled in the middle of the road at 2am.

An automatic Nissan, which they were trying to roll-start. In reverse. Down an 8-foot driveway, with a 5 degree slope.

*snicker*

Foo wanted to chase them, and I wouldn't let him, which in hindsight was a mistake. He would have gone feral on their ass, no doubt about it. Would have been highly entertaining. Fuck those kids up, bub! Git 'em!

So, eight days into 2008 and I've already done my first police report!

*ticks resolution box*

I've also been running around infecting everyone around me with the nastiest stomach bug ever. Merry Christmas, darlings! Love to all! Have some dysentery!

Puked twice before midnight on New Years, and I don't even drink anymore! I maintain that fucking Outbreak monkey bit me in my sleep or something. God that was nasty. Pulling off to the side of the road to vomit profusely over the railing of Lady Denman Drive, while flipping off honking drivers with the free hand, was a particularly fond moment.

I can, however, recommend it for those women who are stressing about the christmas pounds they piled on their ass over the break though. Wake up on New Year's Day covered in your own congealed sweetcorn-coloured stomach bile, and I can guarantee you won't want to eat for a week! The sight of a dry cracker will make you howl at the sky, but hey - SKINNY JEANS, BABY!

Note: Not recommended form of weightloss. The day you can actually manage to keep food down, you will be so fucking hungry you'll EAT THE UNIVERSE! I sure as hell did.

Oh crud, gotta do work. More soon...


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*Did you know people actually DO that stupid shit about 'you hang up, no YOU hang up'? Yeah, me neither. All these years, I thought it was just an urban legend, like the guy with a hook for a hand whose sitting in the backseat of your car RIGHT THIS SECOND DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU AAAAGH! etc etc