Most stereotypical female blogger post ever. EVER!
I've been in a pissy mood all day.
Not depressed, not angry, not rational... just peevish. Pissy.
Like I want to pinch small children and animals. Hard. And then twist.
I've been debating whether to write this post or not. When I reanimated (iiit's aliiiive) this tired old blog, I didn't really have a clear direction in mind for it.
Was it going to be as glaringly personal and raw as the old teejmahal.com? Or was it going to take a more mature turn, and finally put a lid on the emotional babbling of former years?
If you write a blog that has a 'funny' label attached to it, there's a pressure to maintain that image. People expect lighthearted flippant and snarky writing, not raw honesty. And I felt like I needed to do raw honesty for a bit.
So instead, I haven't been writing anything.
Good solution. Dickhead.
The reason I am in a pissy mood is that I have been working my ass off in every sense of the word for the last few months.
Career wise, I have transitioned to a permanent employee with my company, doing my dream job (after two years as a pond scum but rather highly paid contractor), so that's going really well. I'm even doing my Masters next year. Aaagh.
Personal life wise? Well, I'm getting there. I have a crush. Ahem. A bad one. Although I must admit I'm enjoying have that tingling, stomach-fluttery feeling when you see a particular someone walk into a room and smile at the sight of you. I haven't felt that for oh...about six years. I've dated quite a few guys during that time, sure, but that feeling? That level of attraction? That's rare for me.
(The obscure reference I made in an earlier post was about this guy. He's a champion (read: Australian rep) cyclist, and during a lunch together a few weeks ago my mouth ran away from my brain, as it is wont to do. I started telling him about how I needed to buy a new bike (I don't) because I was quite interested in getting serious about cycling (I'm not) and could he please help me choose one? AAAAAGH! SHUT UP MOUTH! YOU DON'T MEAN THESE THINGS!!! STOP ACTING LIKE A DIPPY SCHOOLGIRL!!! So the other day he perched on my desk with a catalogue and pictures and babbled stuff about carbon frames and model hybrids and 278 gears, while my face went green at the price tags. They'd want to be designed by NASA to cost this much. What the hell am I doing? SHUT UP MOUTH!)
However, the main changes I've been making in my life at the moment have been around my health.
That nasty stomach surgery earlier in the year really threw me. I don't have the right temperament for invalidism, and I didn't handle it well - especially when all I could do was eat soft foods and moan on the couch. Recovering from that, combined with ongoing problems with my torn hamstrings and my stupid popped shoulder, and that thumb that had to get sewn back on (fuck I'm a mess) meant that the extent of my fitness routine was half-hearted badminton once a week.
And I was eating food that was terrible for me.
Foo's a food-lover, a brilliant cook and prepares the most fantastic meals. I love them - they are so damn tasty. Rich, decadent, usually quite cheesy and/or creamy. And they're generally all really bad for me, goddammit. Unfortunately I only have to stand in the same room as a piece of cheese, and it will have teleported its equivalent fat mass on to my body. I can't get away with what he can.
He was by no means the sole cause either - I was doing a pretty awful job of it on my own. I was sluggish, and miserable, and chunking up in a serious way. Now, I never got above about a size 16 (AU size which I *think* is about a 12 US - disclaimer: remember I'm 6'1"), but I was in pretty bad shape health wise.
So I finally got the shits, and went to the gym. I've been doing cardio+weights x twice a week, 1 pure cardio (interval training) x once a week, and badminton x twice a week. That gives me two rest days (Wednesday and Sunday) to let my beleaugured limbs recover. I'm finding this quite an easy routine to stick to - it works for me and I have the flexibility to shuffle it if I need to. I've barely missed a single session.
I've been working on my current program for a bit over three months now, but I just had my formal 9 week re-assessment yesterday. The stats have really really thrown me.
9 weeks:
Weight down 9kg.
Chest down 8cm.
Waist down 11.5cm.
Hips down 12cm.
Thighs down 7cm each.
Arms down 2.5cm each.
Body fat down 11%.
Goddamn. That's a lot.
I feel different. I look different. Kinda. I just wish the changes were more obvious. Being as tall and broad as I am (my trainer measured me shoulder to shoulder and basically said to ignore anything to do with a BMI because apparently I am made out of a combination of solid concrete and lead ball-bearings), I need to lose huge numbers to have any kind of highly visible impact.
And that's frustrating. I see other girls who can lose 5kg and go down three dress sizes - I simply don't work like that. I've put on a lot of muscle (most of my weights have at least doubled in that last phase and I'm out-lifting some of the guys), and that will skew the kgs down score a bit. So I'm basically ignoring that. My face doesn't go pink, let alone purple anymore, after two solid hours of badminton. My stomach's perfectly flat and I can stick my thumb under my collarbones. The numbers don't matter that much.
That said, in terms of numbers, I'm wearing size 14 (AU) jeans right now and they're falling off of me. I need to wear a 12, but they're always too short in the legs for me - I keep doing a weird hitching shuffle when I walk to pull them up, because I can't do belts (stupid belly scar). In nine weeks, I've managed to almost get back to the size I was when I left the Navy - I'm only about 5kg off my official discharge weight now.
Man. I was expecting some results, but not this.
And damn I'm in a pissy mood about it.
Huh? This makes you mad?
Yeah.
Frankly, I'm grossed out that I can lose huge numbers like that without looking amazingly different.
I'm grossed out that I had those huge numbers to lose in the first place.
The scary thing? I didn't even realise. I didn't know I'd gotten that big.
Even Foo said it when I showed him the piece of paper with the results on it. The first thing out of his mouth was "Whoa. You were fat".
And yeah, I think I was.
You see, there's only so far you can ride on the 'voluptuous Amazon' tag, and I crossed it about six months ago.
I am, however, thankful that I only had to live like that for about six months. I've caught the slide very early. I'd remained reasonably active, my cardio was actually excellent when I started (all things considering), so it wasn't that rough a transition for me into my new routine.
I'm also really really enjoying it. I love the gym, I love running (shuffling, waddling, whatever) with my iPOD, and I love the sweaty afterglow. I never thought I would. My new program starts tonight and it's twice as hard. It's going to completely kick my ass, and by god I'm actually looking forward to it.
It's killing me to admit all this though. I've always been an athlete in one form or another, and it makes my (shrinking) stomach feel like lead to think that I let 25 years of hard work go through laziness and apathy.
I know I'm heading in the right direction now, before everyone jumps in, but I'm still really angry at myself right now. I'm allowing myself precisely one day of pathetic angst about it before I let it go and get on with things. Bear with me. I'm getting there.
*pinches*
*twists*
*eats cheese*
23 comments:
I like the honesty.
As much as I love the comedy, I like the honesty more.
The only comment I would make is that while I can appreciate that you are angry at how you were, there is plenty of good stuff to keep a grin on your face now.
Congrats sweety :) And the offer to train you is still there :)
Dude, I'm exercising like a mofo, too, so totally hear ya. My one year London bender of Caligula proportions turned me into a chubberwubber, like really quite badly. My BMI was 29% and I've said I want to be 20% or less, I don't know what that'll look like yet (never fussed around with BMIs before, instead being obsessed with weighing 50 kg of skinny muscle-free flab), or where I am at the moment. Since the start of October I've gone to the gym 5-6 (sometimes every day) days of the week, exercised HARD for a minimum of an hour each time (in the past fortnight I'm sometimes doing three hours), worked with a trainer, cut out most carbs and eat one crap snacky a week, if that, and feel really frigging shitty that I now look the way I used to always look (ok) when I wanted to drop a few kilos, albeit definitely more toned, but there's no GI Jane staring back at me after all my efforts. It's like THROW ME A FRIGGIN BONE, BODY! Hopefully soon. It's hard to not write about this shiz on my blog too, because I know people couldn't care less ... but for everything I'm really really getting into being athletic. It's better than smoking like a chimney and eating like a dumpster.
But, back to you. Ah, well done, Teej. We will get there.
Ramble, ramble, salute.
Momo x
Hrm... actually, the more I think about it, the more I think you should publish more details on this plan so that we can 'play along at home'.
Bikes are fun :)
Thanks everyone. Appreciated.
Momo - good to hear from you, girl.
BMI's are a curly thing for me. I've gone from extreme to extreme (I had a BMI of 16 when I first joined the Navy - VERY skinny and unhealthy) with the damn things, and I've since learned that they're not going to mean much for me.
My trainer is a big chunk of pure quivering muscle, and his BMI says he is severely obese. Yeeaaah...
When I started this, mine was at 28.5, and I'm now down to about 26. So, heading in the right direction. The thing I found hilarious is the range goes (for a female) 20-26: Normal, 26.1-30: Mildly obese.
Mildly obese? You jump from normal to obese???
There's no 'Somewhat Chubby' range, or 'Mildly Squidgy'?
Bahhh...
Congrats on getting back in shape.
One day I'm planning to start exercising. Then maybe I can get my BMI up from "Holy Crap! Give this guy a Big Mac and half a pint of lard - Stat!" to "Lean and mean".
One possible reason for the angst though could be the diet. I tend to find when I get hungry my temper gets shorter and shorter. I get fractious (still one of my favourite words). My partner, the lovely Ms Monkey, learned to spot this during extended DIY sessions, and would swiftly whip up some high carb food and thus avoid me taking a very big hammer to whatever it was that I was trying to fix.
Check your diet, make sure you're getting enough. CSIRO seems to be pretty good for that (Ms Monkey is on it and therefore, to a degree, so am I, and I'm a big fan, the food is really good, and pretty easy to whip up, and I haven't lost any weight, but she has).
Good luck, and stay with it.
And any post is a good post. Post what you want, when you want.
Like the honesty, hate the whining. As for stereotypical girlyness, let's just say I feel strangely compelled to rush out and buy tampons and timtams before watching Clueless for the 39th time.
Apparently your BMI - which is most likely overstated due to your freaky-shouldered concreteness - now says you're "normal". Hello? NORMAL? You're a 6'1" size 12, with that short-pants "my mum buys my jeans" look sported by skinny people, and you STILL think you're too fat? Oh, so sorry, not "too fat" but "heading in the right direction". WTFF? Is that like a "better kind of normal"?
FFS, get a grip. "Voluptuous Amazon" should be the GOAL, lady.
Fair call Fyodor.
I like where I am now, so I'm certainly not whining about that. I don't think I'm fat now - I'm just not at the level I'd like to be yet.
It's more that I'm used to being fit and lean (have been my whole life), and I was feeling like shit because I was unfit and unhealthy.
And I was - regardless of size, I was eating shit food and not exercising. As a result my body felt *horrible* - how it looked is kind of besides the point.
I felt like I had undone a lot of good work by ignoring what my body was telling me it needed.
I like to be able to go for bushwalks, or go for a run, or play six hours of badminton at a tournament without puking and thinking I'm going to die. The fact that I couldn't do that was very depressing. I'm still young, I haven't had kids, and there was no excuse for being lazy and treating my body like crap.
And like I said, I was allowing myself precising *one day* of self-deprecating whining before shutting the fuck up and getting on with things. And I have.
(Although Foo is mildly indignant at having discovered his devilish cooking is the root of all evil...)
I always thought Foo was another one of your cats. Go figure.
You are beautiful, no matter what you say
xx
hahahaha
I'm still kinda surprised at the 11% body fat loss. From the few pics you've posted, I wouldn't have said you were in a position to lose that much.
Last time I got measured, I had something like 8.2% body fat. I'm probably a little more now.
Feel free to hate me. I feed off the hatred of dieters and exercise fanatics. :-)
Yeeeessss, let the hate flow through you...
Big rack, dude. Tends to throw the body fat count out of whack.
(Hey look, I'm freestylin'!)
Why would a big rack count towards body fat?
From memory, when I was tested at a gym they used a pinch test with calipers in several places, back over the kidneys, back of triceps, belly I think... thigh maybe?
How'd they measure your body fat?
I've seen an electrical body fat measurer thingy in a gadget shop once here in Melbourne, and I had a go on that and it gave me the same answer as the dude with the pinchy things. I can imagine that maybe being thrown out by large bazoombas.
I wonder what my BF is these days...
I had a go at the BMI thing a couple of weeks back and found I'm no longer considered underweight. Which is nice.
One advantage to being heavier of build rather than lighter, is that very few people will say to you "Jeez, you're prety porky there aren't you?" and then spend the rest of the evening hanging shit on you for it, whereas no one seems to have any qualms at all about ridiculing me for having a torso that looks like a toast rack shoved into a balloon.
Do we address you as Rapmaster TJ?
Ice Teej?
I did the 'stand on the metal thing while it zaps you' test, which frankly I think is about as accurate as tarot cards.
I didn't do skin fold pinch test, well not formally - I keep doing it to myself while I'm sitting at the desk so I can marvel at the difference. Nervous habit.
I promise I'm writing a new post soon. I'm sick of looking at this one full of my self-indulgent whining too.
There's a tricky one I'm working on. Up soon
My parents have scales that you stand on barefoot and it tells you your body fat - I believe it said I was up new 40% a few years ago - I'VE NEVER GONE NEAR IT SINCE!
The one I used, you held onto with your hands, pinch test said 8.1%, electronic thing said 8.2%. But then, I don't have a rack, either big or small.
Hey, great effort, Teej! If only I could find a bit of your self-discipline.
Oh, and pinches, twists, eats cheese cracked me up :)
Neeeeeeddd Teeeeeeeejjjjj!
Neeeeeeeeeeedddddd Teeeeeeeeeeeeejjjjjjjj!
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