I'm going to get gunned down by someone with dial-up. Well maybe not gunned down. They might throw a stick or something, you know - primitive...

Right. I'm finally getting off my ass and FINISHING this damn post.

So - the other week I caught up with Dean for lunch in Kingston, and we found this fucking amazing book. Like, amazing. Brilliant. We were laughing so hard at it in the shop that we had to buy it merely to get the granite-like gaze of the owner off our backs.

This is it.

'The Fantasy Figure Artist's Reference File', by Peter Evans. With bonus CD of pictures. BONUS! YES!

(Note carefully in the picture above that medieval barbarian warrior women apparently had access to hardcore medieval barbarian silicone. Malory was full of shit, yo.)

The back of the book gives the following information:

'Calling all fantasy artists. Ever spent hours trying to capture the fall of a cloak in a battle scene, the swoon of a princess, or the clash of barbarian swords? Help is at hand with this collection of favourite fantasy figures in classic action poses.

From beautiful and graceful elven queens to disfigured and bloodthirsty goblins, here is all the live reference material you'll need to give your fantasy art the edge in a competitive market.'

However, I would paraphrase the raison de'tre of the book as:

'GAWK AT DWARVES IN THEIR UNDERWEAR!'.

MUCH better.

Basically, it's a huge book full of pictures of people dressed up as various fantasy characters, in lots of different poses, so that you can draw them, whack off to them, or have something to base your WoW character Gorg l'Shadar BrightNightRavenBlade on.

Let me introduce you to some of the unforgettable characters. There's 16 different players so I'm not going to do them all, but as shining examples we have:

The BARBARIAN WARRIOR

Or, as I like to call him, 'Trevor'.

Trevor is a Virgo who likes pov flash art tattoos, shopping at Payless Shoes, and dreamily fantasizing that he's really Robert Patrick. On weekends he likes to kill orcs with his left thumb.

[Trev's styling by Just Cuts and Posh Spice.]

A typical page showing various poses and captions (eg. 'Meet your ancestors!', 'I'm ready, are you?' and 'Keeping it keen!') may look something like this:

Here we have Trev demonstrating a typical face a barbarian might make throughout his typical barbarian day.

(NB. I am not making this up. This is an honest to god real caption provided by the book.)

"That's one big troll!"

Thank you Trev. Top work there.

Whenever I get some snivelling anonymous dick playing amok in my comments, you may just see Trev's patented 'That's one big troll!'-face appear.

Next up we have our warrior woman from the front cover. Um, Maisy.

Grrr! I just ate Grace Jones' character in 'Conan' for second breakfast!

(Real caption: 'Sitting pretty'. Snort. Whatever)

Maisy also has what appears to be Bert Newton sans toupe stuffed down the front of her flayed kitten bodice.

(I'd kill for hamstrings like that though. You could carve those fuckers like a pot roast.)

Thank you Maisy.

Next. Ah. The Wicked Sorceress. Faaabulous.

"Why yes, us Wicked Sorceresses(es) just LOVE to play Invisible Twister On a Slight Slope*".

(Or as they would have it: 'I will rend your soul! Blurrgh! BLURRRGH!')

(Ok, I added the damn sound effects. But still! )

* NOT a derogatory reference to petite asian people.

Please note also that Wicked Sorceress(esses) are snaggle-toothed bitches with Costco makeup that have been soaked in Ugly Juice until their souls went pruney.

Damn, girl...

Just... damn.

Something fun that I forgot to mention is that not only do we have pictures of these weird and wonderful people, but we also have pictures of these weird and wonderful people... IN THEIR UNDERWEAR!

Observe.

Haughty Princess Entreating The Gods

Haughty Princess, Um, Trying To Catch A Peanut

Haughty Princess as Dragon Bait. IN HER UNDERWEAR.

See? Brilliant.

We also have EVIL SORCERER IN HIS UNDERWEAR:

"Eh heh heh. Sergei wants a HUG!"

A FAT CLERIC IN HIS UNDERWEAR:

"Oh No! Goblins!"

(Actual Caption!!)

This book also features such classics as ELF IN HIS UNDERWEAR, PEASANT GIRL IN HER UNDERWEAR, MAGICIAN IN HIS UNDERWEAR, WARRIOR PRINCE IN HIS UNDERWEAR, and uh... I...

Oh my

Yes.

Well.

*clears throat*

On with the show then, shall we?

My absolute personal favourite would have to be our next young chap, the Warrior Dwarf.

Or as I like to call him... Stumpy.

My dears, meet Stumpy.

Look at that adorable little axe! LOOK AT IT!

He's even got a bum bag! A Warrior Dwarf With a Bum Bag! Gaaahh!

But! As we have already learned, the only possible thing that's better than a Warrior Dwarf With a Bum Bag is...

A WARRIOR DWARF IN HIS UNDERWEAR!

*Poink* *Poink*

"Why I Audda...!"

*ZAMMO!*

"Holy Punching Dwarves, Batman!"

I could go all day with this freaking thing... buuut I won't.

There's over 600 damn pictures on this CD, and I don't want to eventually be dragged off gibbering about dwarves and barbarians and half-naked fat guys. I may occasionally throw one out there in the future (there's some fucking ace pics of a goblin... IN HIS UNDERWEAR), but we'll see how we go.

However, to finish up, I've enlisted the help of an Elven Queen, Our Mate Trev, The Dishy Warrior Prince, and of course, Stumpy The Bum Baggin' Dwarf, to take us out with a song.

Take it away guys!

"Young man, there's no need to feel down

I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.

I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town

There's no need to be unhappy.

Young man, there's a place you can go.

I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.

You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find

Many ways to have a good time.

It's fun to stay at the

...............................................................................................................................................

Thankyou and Goodnight!